About book I Kissed Dating Goodbye: A New Attitude Toward Relationships And Romance (2003)
While the book is well-written and the ideas are well-expressed and thought out, Harris' theories just don't play well in a complex world filled with people. There is no set of rules or philosophies that one can apply to Christian premarital romance (nor any kind of romance, nor any kind of relationship, for that matter), and I believe that, unfortunately, Harris' ideas are a contribution to a philosophy that has caused much pain and cynicism in young single Christian circles (I can say this from experience).In concurrence with Harris' ideas, many of our parents, with the best intentions, told us pubescent, hormonal Christians that we should wait for "God to bring the right one"; that "God has designed someone just for you". Harris has taken this idea and designed a dating paradigm that fosters to it, gearing up singles to pursue only that one, special, unique someone that God has made just for them. This has led many of us naive, unsuspecting singles to expect to suddenly wake up one morning with the perfect man/woman, a ring on our finger, passionate sex (that of course was saved for marriage without any sort of struggle), and a relationship with depth that's centered around Christ.What I mean to say is, we know what we want and we expect God to get us there without any effort on our part. Having always been told to wait for God to bring this ominous "One" to us, to kiss dating goodbye, and that God has sculpted said "One" just for us, we have this hopelessly naive and incorrect idea that if we sit around, living our romance-free and happy lives (which, let's be honest, is unfortunately a bit of an oxymoron in our culture), God is going to make romance happen to us and another unsuspecting, beautiful, godly, pure individual.The repercussions of this are the cause of constant frustration in both sexes. I've heard so many of my girl friends complain about this guy that they like so much, who they happen to know likes them, with whom she hangs out all the time (often one-on-one, over coffee) and this guy just won't ask her out, won't pursue her openly, won't lay his cards on the table and make himself vulnerable. Being a guy, and a guy that's been guilty of this, I can tell you that it's largely due to the aforementioned paradigm. Asking a girl out is terrifying, even if you know she'll say yes; vulnerability is petrifying. This is why the unconscious assumption that God will "bring the right person" to us is so comfortable. It requires no risk. God is going to do all the work for us. That's why we hang out with that girl we love for hours on end, always alluding to our feelings for her but never outright pursuing her, waiting for God to make it happen. It's comfortable, it's safe, and then you end up with mountains of sexual tension that haven't been expressed and eventually that coffee date becomes a make-out session without any pretext, without definitions, which leads to crossed boundaries and baggage. Fortunately I've been able to avoid this, but I've seen it far too many times for me to dismiss it as anything less than a pattern.Alternately, I've heard many guys, myself included, complain about girls that simply will not say yes to a date. Because of our paradigm, those of us guys that have already gone through the frustrations of "kissing dating goodbye", realized that the difference between dating and Harris' ideas are simply in semantics, and have moved on to dating have found that many amazing, beautiful and godly girls will say no to a date with an amazing, godly man not because she's not attracted to him or not interested, but because she can't see herself marrying him. There's an expectation that, because God has this perfect man made for them, as soon as she sees him she'll be hopelessly in love and there won't even need to be a first date. A date, or courtship, or whatever you want to call it, is the context in which you get to know the other in order to determine whether you could marry that person. You can't determine that in day-to-day life. But, at the same time, girls expect us to pursue them, but not in a dating context because of the negative stigma given to that construct. Us guys are given so many mixed signals, because we're expected to pursue the girl like Christ pursues the Church (thanks, Francine Rivers, for giving every Christian woman the expectation that a good Christian man will be a cookie cut-out from Redeeming Love), but then again, if we do any kind of pursuing and the girl isn't already convinced that she could marry the guy, then we get shot down. So we are forced into the exact same context mentioned above, hanging out with the girl we like, allowing her to get to know us in a nonromantic context so that she can determine whether she could marry us (again, you can't determine how romantically compatible you are with someone in a nonromantic context). So as the two hang out more and more, and the girl still comes no closer to determining marriageability, emotions and sexual tension are still on the rise, and the same consequence mentioned above takes place.All this being said, it's no wonder that young, single Christians are among the most romantically cynical beings I've ever met - and I am often guilty of this as well. I'm not saying that Joshua Harris is solely to blame, but I do believe that his books and ideology are a manifestation of this vague, misleading and tragic dating philosophy that is fostering so many embittered cynics in young Christian circles. The Church needs to begin addressing this issue, and realizing that there is no clean-cut solution and set of rules to apply to the grey area of romance. Only working relationship with us singles, intimate knowledge of our individual situations and, most importantly, the love and grace of Christ can lead us into romance with healthy expectations and practices. We don't need more books, we need older, experienced believers investing in us. That's what the Church is, anyway: a complex body of relationships, not a bookshelf of philosophies.
I read this book because I was absolutely aggravated with the male race. I had recently broken up with a man that was supposed to be my future husband (we were engaged) but turned out to be nothing more that a man-child who was more worried about himself then me. I was desperate to figure out what I had done wrong and how to fix it fast because I wasn't getting any younger!! But after reading this book, SURPRISE, God instead chose to take me on a deeper journey that has lead me down a path I never expected.I am grateful to have "Kissed dating Goodbye" because I now have a strong grasp on what I needed, versus what I wanted; which turned out to be a deeper relationship with Christ. This book set me straight in a lot of ways that I was deficient, including my mindset on dating, and the male race altogether *wink*; because it helped me see how little I really knew. It was easy for me to read because he didn't use flashy big words, which I found in some books and honestly I don't care what words you learned in college, if I can't read 'em I'm puttin' your book down! He was down to earth and honest, even about the awkward stuff, which is admirable to me.The biggest lesson I learned was what I was searching for wasn't a husband, I was really just trying to figure out who I was. I was lost when I picked up this book, and it helped me get found.I'm no longer obsessed with the "Dating Scene". In fact, I've pretty much thrown out my whole belief system (it didn't really work for me anyway) and adopted this new way of thinking. The truth is I HATE GOING ON DATES. True story, I once almost vomited in my rice because I was so nervous about the fact that I was on a date, then found myself in the bathroom panicking wishing there was a window I could have crawled out of! If I feel like vomiting that's not a good sign! So that's why I loved the idea of not dating... and I loved how he finally found his wife! I still have no desire to date, and I hope God honors that because I don't want my future husband's first impression of me to be that I spend a lot of time in the bathroom and sweat a lot! Joshua Harris helped me realize what I really want is not A relationship, it's well rounded relationship'sssssssss. (Notice the plural) I want friendships. I want my life to be full of people who love and care about me, and if in the future one of those people is a hott man who ends up pursuing me for more, than yippee for me :) Until then, I wait. And wait and wait and... well, you get the picture. Point is, this was one heck of a read. Life-altering, and mind-changing. But only because it was just what I needed, WHEN I needed it.
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Absolutely brilliant!!!!!!! You may think from the title that he's gonna go, "Don't date. It's a sin." But that is not what he's doing. He gives a way to have Christ-centered relationship, and helps us see that our single years should be a gift from God, instead of a time to be constantly seeking a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. We can leave that in God's hands; right now, in our single years, we're to put our all into serving Him, when we can have undivided interests. I know not everyone will agree with this. I personally believe that you should wait until you're ready to be married to start dating. But even if you think you won't agree, please read this book. Yes, I know Joshua Harris isn't God and his book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" doesn't have the authority of the Bible - BUT he models it after the Bible and after Christ. Is "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" radical to most of the world? You bet. But I can personally say that this book really helped me to better view things from God's perspective.
—Laura
I thought the book title was preaching to the choir at & before the time I read it--I didn't care for the dating scene & still don't, but I like having some purpose to being single, rather than just accepting it as an accidental fate.Josh Harris does a good job writing the book, & I feel bad that I didn't love it like so many people who reviewed it did.It seemed odd that the premise of the book is "dating is stupid; but don't quit dating just b/c it's stupid, quit b/c there's something better out there called 'courtship'." Well first of all, to me, if I want to quit doing something b/c it's stupid, that's a good enough reason to quit! And secondly, I still don't see even one small remote difference in "dating" versus "courtship". It might as well be about "don't be a stripper, instead be an exotic dancer!"I heard this book prompted a brief movement in the late-1990s to make it a goal to save your 1st kiss til the wedding day (someone should've told me that when I was a 2-year-old flower girl at my aunt & uncle's wedding!). But later, we learned that if you save the 1st kiss til the wedding, then your first kiss (which may even be awkward) will be done in public, in front of people who will think & expect you to do a lot more that night! So it's like making a quantum leap in your relationship w/in just a few hours! If anyone actually practiced that, I would love to hear how they made it work & if they would recommend that practice. Anyone?... ... Anyone?... Bueller?
—Robyn
I read this book when I was a broken-hearted nineteen-year-old. At the time the idea of kissing dating goodbye and doing it in the name of God seemed like a grand idea. I think it was largely because I had no dates to kiss goodbye, so it gave me some noble reason to beyond the fact that girls didn't like me and the fact that despite my liking them I was terrified of them. I think Harris has some very valid points as best as I can remember, but they are a bit extreme and maybe even unrealistic. Anytime you set up a system of thought like that it can lead to feelings of guilt and legalism. I am prone to that sort of thing anyway, and I definitely dealt with it after trying my hardest to adopt the ideas in this book. If would feel guilty if I just liked a girl. In some way, I'm thankful that I went through this time in my life because I do think it has balanced out and saved me from just randomly chasing after girls for the fun of it. On the other hand, I don't know that I would have ever done that anyway. I think this book is good for high school kids, but it's probably not very practical once you get older. I saw Joshua Harris speak a few years ago, and I knew it would be really chessy and youth groupy. But you know what? It wasn't. He was a very good speaker, and everything he said was solid and scripturally sound. Oh, and he didn't talk about dating.
—Mark
