About book The Lost Art Of Listening: How Learning To Listen Can Improve Relationships (1996)
Just listen“The Lost Art of Listening” by Michael P. Nichols, worth to be reread a couple of times, balances between scientific approach, day-to-day examples, and prescription for treatment. This makes this book a manual for everyone who would like to work out his or her communication skills. The central idea of the book is a distance in communication with people we consider close to us (this also includes relations with friends, parents, and colleguaes). The book consists of four parts: “the yearning to be understood” , “the real reasons people don't listen”, “getting through to each other,” “listening in context”. The first part of the book explores an importance of the listening in human life. In this part, the author discloses the main message that will echo throughout the book “listening isn't natural, but developed skill”. He also claims that the gender differences plays a little role in our communication style (later he admits that “he needs space , she want closeness”, but the problem is not a gender differences in communication style rather it is “closed-ear” from both sides).In the second part, the author gives an answer of why people don't listen each other. It seems that A. own needs; B. prejudices; C. defensiveness (“we're most reactive to the things we secretly accuse ourselves of”) diminishes our listening skills to the point that we shut down after a while.The third part is more about the answers to how to become a good listener:“to listen well we must set aside memory, desire, and judgment”.“The way to reduce your own defensiveness is to stay calm and stay open. Don't interrupt, contradict, qualify, or change the subject. If you don't understand something, ask for clarification and examples. Otherwise, shut up and listen.”“Cutting someone off to take over conversation control can certainly be annoying , but so can jumping in before a speaker is finished with words of encouragement, agreement , or to tell a similar story”“The best way to avoid cutting people off is to concentrate on what they're trying to say.”“The way to reduce your own defensiveness is to stay calm and stay open. Don't interrupt, contradict, qualify, or change the subject. If you don't understand something, ask for clarification and examples. Otherwise, shut up and listen.”Alongside with empathetic understanding, the author also urges to be outspoken in direct and clear way.The last part of the book restates the main ideas introduced in three previous parts, plus making a small addition about listening friends and colleagues. “Listening is an art that requires openness to each other's uniqueness and tolerance of differences. The greatest threats to listening in the family are rigid roles, fixed expectations, and pressures to conform.”My parents have taught me: “Don't speak a lot.” The right way to say would be to “Listen more”.
This is a quite extraordinary good approach to helping us overcome the deeper barriers to actually listening to each other, especially those close to us and those who raise emotional issues in us that prevent us hearing others, because their stuff is our un-handled stuff. The approach is very engaging and my wife thinks it has had a profound impact on my listening and she should know. :) But this is not a well edited book and the author has thrown in some off note paragraphs a good editor would have challenged. It is only moderately well written, which is a great pity, given the wisdom it contains.
Do You like book The Lost Art Of Listening: How Learning To Listen Can Improve Relationships (1996)?
The book stresses a lot on the importance of listening and proves that sometimes the problem can be solved by just listening to the other position... The main idea of the book is that in order to listen well you have to master ability to suspend your own thoughts, feelings and their expression, so that the other person can speak up! There are a lot of cases which are not always related directly to the topic, however sometimes practical. Generally, you might find something interesting in this book, because listening is really crucial in effective communication.
—Tigran Mamikonian
I read this book for research on an essay I am writing on listening. It was written by a professor of Psychology at William and Mary College and a family therapist. Although the book didn't provide a philosophical look at the value of good listening, there were a few good ideas, taken from his counseling experience. Two insightful statements: "Simply holding your tongue while the other person speaks isn't the same thing as listening." Also, "Assuming you know what someone is going to say means you don't have to bother to listen."
—Stewart
Have you ever felt your words fall on deaf ears? Have you ever felt like you didn't know how to listen to someone when they really needed you to?In The Lost Art of Listening, Michael Nichols frames listening as an active art - we need practice to transform passive reception to real hearing. As a future counselor or teacher, this book grabbed me from the get-go: not only does Nichols discuss how to listen more effectively, but he also brings up the benefits of listening and the consequences of miscommunication. He offers advice on a gamut of listening-related situations and problems, including the struggle to suspend our own needs, reducing emotional reactivity, and learning to listen to specific people such as your children or your coworkers. In a society where we spend a large amount of time creating small talk before business meetings or messaging each other through Facebook, The Lost Art of Listening gives us the tools to transform how we communicate with one another. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to learn more about listening, either for yourself or for others.
—Thomas
