About book Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program To End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again (1994)
It took me a little longer than usual to get through this, but it certainly wasn't because I didn't find it fascinating...it was because I was binge-watching the entire first season of Orange is the New Black.Psychological examples are always super interesting to me, and the individuals' stories that illustrate the lifetraps are what I liked best.From this book, I learned that my primary lifetrap is Social Exclusion, which brought on Unrelenting Standards, all with a small side of Subjugation. Bestest times, right? But the key to making change is acknowledging and understanding, so I'll take it. It was enlightening to see glimmers of other lifetraps that are present in people I know, too, as it brought about a new perspective on their actions that I might not like.Discussing the Surrender lifetrap coping style: "Unhealthy as it may be, most people seek and create environments that feel familiar and similar to the ones where they grew up. The whole essence of surrendering is somehow managing to arrange your life so that you continue to repeat the patterns of your childhood." p. 37"Lifetraps are long-terms patterns. They are deeply ingrained, and like addictions or bad habits, they are hard to change." p. 42"Remember, the chemistry is usually highest with partners who trigger your lifetrap." p. 180"We pay a high price for burying our true self in the way Eliot did. It is a great loss, like a death. Spontaneity, joy, trust, and intimacy are all lost, and they are replaced by a guarded, shut-down shell. The person constructs a false self. This false self is harder, less easily wounded. [...] A true self that stays hidden cannot heal." p. 216-217"...anger is a vital part of healthy relationships. It is a signal that something is wrong - that the other person may be doing something unfair. Ideally, anger motivates us to become more assertive and correct the situation. When anger produces this effect, it is adaptive and helpful." p. 266"You are much more powerful when you are calm than when you are screaming. Screaming is a sign of psychological defeat." p. 290"Unrelenting Standards can create the full gamut of negative emotions. You feel constantly frustrated and irritated with yourself for not meeting your standards. You may feel chronically angry, and certainly you feel high levels of anxiety. You obsess about the next thing you have to do right." p. 298 The entire Unrelenting Standards chapter was, like, whoah."Most of us operate on automatic pilot, repeating habits of thinking, feeling, relating, and doing what we have practiced over our lifetime. These patterns are comfortable and familiar, and we are very unlikely to change them unless we make a concerted, deliberate, and sustained effort to do so; if we wait for fundamental change to happen on its own, it almost certainly will not. We are doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past and the legacy of our parents and grandparents unless we make intentional and prolonged efforts to alter them." p. 342"Unfortunately, many of us are trained as children to disregard our natural inclinations and to do what is expected of us. [...] We must find a balance between the needs of society and our own personal fulfillment. We are not advocating a narcissistic philosophy of living. However, many of us have been overtrained, oversocialized. We have been pushed too far in the direction of doing what others expect." p. 344
Reinventing Your Life came highly recommended by a therapist who is helping me work through a series of traumatic events that took place in my early adulthood. It is an introduction to schema therapy, or what the authors refer to as "lifetraps" - self defeating, self destructive patterns of behavior that are essentially comfortable (but damaging) recreations of traumas we have suffered in childhood or early adulthood - and an explanation of how to move past them. If you have experienced trauma, neglect, abuse, loss, feelings of inadequacy, abandonment, etc., then I too highly recommend you check out this book. It is an easy read – after the introductory chapter, you really only have to read the chapters on the lifetraps that are applicable to you – and very insightful. After reading it I feel validated, much more aware of my behaviors, and prepared to leave my past behind. It’s very exciting.
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Extremely insightful and practical handbook that sheds light on very many core lifetraps that one can find oneself trapped in. Practical because the clear index of the book, each chapter talking about one of the 11 core lifetraps (i.e. social exclusion, abandonment or defectiveness) with a self test in how far this lifetrap applies to you, dangers of this lifetrap and clear steps in overcoming and changing it. Insightful because Young and Klosko do not shy away from also giving ample insight on the the possible childhood causes of developing a certain lifetrap. The links between certain childhood trauma's and the corresponding lifetraps make a lot of sense. Of course there can be overlap as well. They suggest, mainly through imagining, many helpful steps in processing the childhood pain, which is the first step in overcoming a lifetrap, which is basically just a constant continuation of the childhood experience. I read all the chapters, also the ones that were about lifetraps that did not apply to me and i strongly suggest other readers to do so as well. It gave me understanding in other people's processes as well. In a world in which heartache has become so common, it's so important that we understand each other a little better. It will prevent so many unnecessary misunderstandings and disconnection.
—Jeske
I am skeptical about pop psychology, about CBT, and about reading books to fix your life. I came into this book cynically looking for flaws in it, for it not to work, for it to be full of BS.I read the first few chapters and took the assessments, and then went deep into the chapters applicable to me.Then it hit me. How on earth does this guy know exactly what's going on in my head? How did my internal dialogue end up on the pages of this book?It turns out, I'm not alone! My issues are literally straight out of the book, and there is hope!Without going into the details, let me just say that working through the chapters of this book has been an amazing journey of healing, of gaining perspective, and of establishing a firm foundation amidst life's inevitable ups and downs.This book has been an amazing tool for me. While we are all different, and while we will of course respond differently to varied approaches, I cannot recommend this book highly enough. Except for the cover. ;-)
—Gian Fabbri
I've only read the first 3 chapters at my therapists recommendation. We're working through some of this stuff and she wanted to see if I could relate to any of these "schemas". It's all very fascinating to think about - kind of mind blowing, actually. I may never finish the book because of the work I will be doing with my therapist individually (and she let me borrow her copy of the book, temporarily) - but it seems like a worthwhile read and like it could really benefit people who maybe don't have an amazing therapist in their life, as I do.
—Rhonda
